Understanding the Challenges of Co-Parenting

It goes without saying that a family car accident can be one of the more stressful and costly things a family can experience. Auto collision repair is typically never in the budget, and given the issues involved, it’s also likely going to happen at a time a family can least afford to make unplanned expenses. These are usually the times families are experiencing the strains of being a family – a divorce, an estrangement, a family emergency that makes everyone stressed beyond functional – and that’s often when safety is much more compromised than usual. Whether it involves improper maintenance or driving practices, or simply a family fighting arguments through the neighborhood, everything in life would seem more likely to result in an unfortunate auto accident.

When my family was in the process of going through an increasingly bitter divorce, we had an auto accident. Despite the fact that I was the only driver in the family who maintained a proper, regular service schedule for every family vehicle, my spouse refused to accept responsibility for her involvement in the accident. Getting basic administrative details worked out, such as paying for the car repairs, was much more stressful than either of us imagined. Just as communication with the family lawyer and mediator were difficult at best, any issues that required my spouse’s acknowledgement were met with frustrating deflections and avoidance excuses. Often, this was simply refusing to respond or being outright uncooperative; she’d often just “forget” to return phone calls and emails. In dealing with our son’s scheduling and 50/50 custody requirements, I experienced a lot of this same behavior – it’s easier to ask to have custody adjusted that it is for one parent to acknowledge that they are behind on the agreed upon schedule.

To say co-parenting requires a depth of patience is a huge understatement, and anyone who has endured circumstances like these is probably rolling their eyes over the suggestion that it’s not “just” paperwork. Yet, the rest of us know full well that the demands of honoring 50/50 custody requirements often extend into the office and include timeframes, service requirements, and some sort of accountability to both service providers and co-parents. Accepting the fact that, sometimes, parental visitation conflicts with work obligations, there are still clearly defined roles and responsibilities for which each of us is accountable. That’s relatively easy to understand when it’s a customer service issue; we can contact an attorney when service providers aren’t performing as expected. However, we don’t often think about how these same types of agreements and requirements are applicable to the family unit.

It is a simple truth that we all want to believe we are receiving a good value for the service we provide to others. Whether it’s an auto body shop or attorney providing a service to a customer, we know that they are providing value because they promise that we are getting the best quality for our money. We all want our money’s worth, in whatever forms that involves. Yet as parents, with 50/50 custody arrangements, how can we be sure that our “divorce shop” is delivering the value they promised? With personal service. For example, my son is just out of high school, but I have already spent hours and hours with therapists, teachers, and lawyers in providing what would amount to a full course load in life skills. I’ve granted permission to talk to his girlfriend in the hopes that it will help him to learn how to be in a relationship, something I’ve never, personally experienced. When other parents tell me how sorry they are because we’re divorced (as if it’s my fault), I reply by saying, “If you can’t work to be a part of his life, you have no right to be part of it.” And I mean that – co-parenting is a matter of doing what is best for the kid, and those parents who refuse to communicate with each other are really only wasting everyone’s time.

In rare situations, some parents are simply unable to be available to participate with important developmental issues. However, that does not mean they are responsible for any of the damages caused by the situation. Sometimes parents must be available to discuss the potential impacts of their children on society, but again, that doesn’t mean that child’s best interests should be neglected, or that those who are available should not have input. While accidents can happen, the reality is that without a solid communication plan, 50/50 Custody becomes a nightmare.